I'll fly away, oh glory

I just don't know if I'm ready to fly away to Glory...

Every time I leave my family I get this impending sense of doom.  Perhaps it is my natural negative tendencies trying to resurface.  But as excited as I am to be going on some adventure or trip, I drive myself crazy thinking that it could be my last and I will never see my husband or children again.

So much for my faith, my joy in seeing Jesus and my perspectives on life, death and eternity......

Then I get very frustrated with myself for a lot of the reason that I feel this way.  I feel this way because I am self centered and egotistical.  I mean, I really do think about how hard it would be for the kids and Eric to lose a mother and a wife.  I think about their pain, their sadness and the struggles that they would feel; the possible anger that they would have against God.  But the truth of the matter is, the first thought that comes to my mind is that they would forget about me.  Even worse, I think about how my children, Lucy in particular, might not even remember me.  And I think about getting replaced.

This is a pretty ugly side of me.

So this morning, since I will be gone tomorrow morning when they wake up, I sat on Lucy's bed, hugged her and played with her for a few minutes all the while praying "Lord, please help her to remember this giggly time".

I wish I weren't so selfish.  I wish I had more faith.  I wish I would grow up.

But in the meantime, I struggle.  

The good side is that it makes me enjoy them all more.  It makes me take in each little piece of them and it makes coming home all the more sweet.