who am I kidding

Sheesh.  This whole photography had best be God's plan or I am in big trouble.  Who am I to think I can be a photographer?  Aside from the fact the photography is extremely accessible right now and pretty much anyone can take a good picture these days, and so terribly many people are jumping on the photography bandwagon (and now look at me - I am too) - especially with digital photography and editing - not to mention the fact that pretty much any style goes (so if you are a lousy photographer by most standards, you could just say that was your style and you'd probably make millions and have a cult following, write books on how-to when really you have no clue because you stink so bad - I am starting to think this was a bad idea.

I mean the idea is good - as far as wanting to fund Casa G, wanting to eventually teach some of the boys a trade, and all that good stuff, but the more I get into it the more I realize I am totally in over my head and I probably don't have what it takes to do this.  Although, of course, God is most definitely strongest and demonstrates His Amazingness much more when we are lousy (that is my translation of 2 Corinthians 12: 9, 10).  Perhaps that is why He wants me in this endeavor - I pray that is why He wants it - to show His incredible Greatness.

There was a time when I was a good photographer - for a time (late high school, early college) it was a passion.  I thought I was pretty good, although that simply could have been the disillusion of youth.  Or I was good and now I am not simply because of the oldness and non-functioning-properliness of my brain.  It also could be because everything is digital, therefore intimidating to me - as I am not really good with that type of stuff - and so that is the root of my suckiness.  Although that could always be tied back into the lack of brain issue.  Whatever the case is, I am praying about 17 times a day "God, this has got to be all You or it will be a serious fail."

You see, I will take some pictures of some people - a fairly simple thing.  But then when I look at the pictures I realize that I forgot to set the aperture correctly for the situation (like for the depth with which I have the people sitting), so the people in the back are kind of blurry.  This is stuff I know - elementary - but I just can't seem to pull out that knowledge when I need it.  Perhaps I am just intimidated when I am taking the photos.  I know that the whole digitalness of things immediately freaks me out, so perhaps that just shuts my brain off.  Whatever the case is, if God plans on using this so called photography business that we are trying to start, there is going to have to be very little Carla and a whole lot of God.  I suppose that is the way it always should be!

So as I show you these pictures I took, keep in mind that I do know that they are not superb.... but I am trying - and Lord help me!

The first ones are of our friends the Taubes.  These were taken back in November and they were taken before I got my new super-duper camera.  In spite of my struggles to be anything of value in the area of photography, the new camera certainly helps.

 Now at the end of December, Kelley's family came over the holidays and we got some of the whole crew.

I've always been a big fan of the sun-fade, lens glare pictures.  They are rather trendy right now, so it is loosing its appeal.  Thankful I am in Ecuador and if I ever get hired by Ecuadorians, they still prefer the mid-90s style of photography, so I can bust out a photo like this in about 10 years, and it'll be all the rage!

Now, you may be thinking, "Carla, you don't really stink that bad" - but remember, these are some of the best out of over 150 that I took.

Let me take a little pause here.  I am not trying to beat myself up.  I am trying to express many feelings of my currently overwhelmed state and my acknowledgement that it can't be about me.  If this endeavor is about me, it will fail.  If this endeavor is about Christ and His business; if it is something He has called me too and wants to use, it will flourish regardless of who is behind the lens.