more school and my "first day"

Eric helping Cade get his hood on.

Bit of a dreary walk to school.... What the day lacked in cheer we made up for with our rain coats!

The only child I could get a picture of in class. No Cade actually isn't hiding from me - he didn't know I was there taking the picture until after the flash!

God helped me empathize with my children today.

While initially I was a little bummed that we had meetings today, He used the meetings to teach me a lot about myself and helped me to remember that really, I'm not so different from my kids.

We attended our first Youth World (our mission organization) meeting today. The first half hour or so is sort of social time eating lunch and hanging out.

That whole time, and even during the more formal meeting part, I felt a lot, I think, like my kids did.

"I'm new"

"Will I fit in?"

"Will I make friends?"

"Will people like me?"

"Everyone already has their friends. Will they accept me in?"

....and on the questions and insecurities went in my head.

Even though we have been here two months, I realized that today really was our first day in many ways. Just like the kids were worried about finally and hopefully making friends, fitting in, getting their place here, so was I.

And, like the kids, I had a good day. I had a smile on my face at the end.

But it is still just the first day.

I know that I am going to struggle with the whole thing of friendships and fitting it. I just do. It is my constant insecurity.

I know that I will struggle with part of me wanting to reach out too much and suffocate potential friends; not reaching out at all because I want them to come to me and/or I feel really shy; being afraid of "breaking in" to already established relationships - not wanting to interfere with peoples friendships, but yet wanting my own.

Already I was disappointed because I really wanted to ask one girl (okay, can we still be called girls even though we are 40?) if she would like to meet weekly to pray together, but found out that she is already doing that with someone else.

Stupid, but I felt rejected.

She didn't reject me... she just was already committed. But inwardly I was so sad as this was/is a person I already knew I wanted/hoped to get to know. Get to know well.

And I have to stop myself from thinking that I can't now, just because she has another close or intimate friend.

Anyway, I could babble on about my insecurities for a whole long time. But all of this is to say that we, or at least I, never seem to shake the "First Day Jitters".

We all want to find our place.

We all want friends whom cherish us and whom we can cherish.

We all want to belong and be loved.

And naturally, the best place to find that.... the only place to truly, completely, once and for always, find that.... is in Christ.

Christ alone.

Constantly, constantly, constantly I need to remind myself that if I wrap myself up in Him, I'll be good. No, I'll be great.

I have my place in Him.

I cherish Him and He cherishes me - more than I can even imagine.

I belong to Him and am loved - completely, totally, unequivocally, by Him.

Forget the "First Day Jitters".....

I have Christ.

Well, I gotta go to bed.

I have my second day tomorrow.